I recently remembered that I had a blog. Yes I know I have a pattern of writing and then disappearing. I like to think the thoughts are just marinating in my head, waiting to be released when it feels safe.
I was reading my old posts from the beginning of this pandemic and I can still feel the emotion through my words. In some ways I can still remember the exact thoughts and feelings. This time has ripped through me, through all of us and exposed the deepest dark parts of us that need to be healed and released. I've been thinking a lot about love and the different forms it can take. The things we do for love, the ways we love and how it can enmesh in so many different parts of our lives. I always thought that I never understand love or what it meant to be loved. For a long time I chased temporary highs and people who would give me a quick hit of release, a little shot of dopamine. I thought love was temporary and that there was no real thing as long lasting love. But what I'm learning is that love is everlasting, it never fades away. Because in some way or another it takes shape in our body, in our minds and exposes us to a new way of being. I think about all the people I've let break my heart and I think of the lessons I've learned and the pain that had turned into growth. I think about a family unit and what it means to find love within that. Or the families who abandon their children or don't know how to love them properly. Which then causes tensed relationships and pain beyond measure. But I think about the love that this brings. I think about how I always felt unloved and what that caused me to do, to myself and to others. It forced me to grow it forced me to hit a bottom where I realized that the only way out is through, right to my heart. I think about why we settle for less, why we allow people to hurt us time and time again. As humans all we want is to be loved and love, whatever form that may take. Whatever understand that may find us having. I know this is some mumble-jumble but what I'm trying to say, is love teaches us how to love. To love ourselves, to love others, to love the way the trees sway in the wind, to love our children even when we don't know how. To love is to be human. To love is to be alive.
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I opened my Gmail app and the first thing I saw made my stomach curl. It was Hunter College telling me they made a decision. I anxiously clicked into the email, awaiting the next phase of my life. When I was a teen and developed panic attacks I vowed to myself that I would one day go on to help people who suffered from anxiety. I wasn't sure what form it would take but I knew it was what my soul called to do. I ended up going to college to study Marketing and Fashion Business Management - high on an outside image, I assumed that the fashion industry was where I was meant to be. This last year I found myself with a nagging pull to pursue my dream of becoming a therapist. I mustered up all the courage I could find to put in that application. I believed I could do it, I trusted in Gods guidance.
Anyway, I didn't get in. For 3 months I awaited what I thought would be the most pivotal piece of my 20s yet - pursuing a dream that felt so close to my heart yet so far out of reach. The truth is, my heart broke when I found out I didn't get in. Like anything I've ever wanted in my life, I put all my eggs in one basket and tried to manifest my ideal outcome. But it feels so minimal now to look back on it. I have absolutely no idea what the plan for me is, but I know I'm always guided to what is meant for me. The past few months sent me in a spiral of rejection, I lost the man I thought I was destined to be with only to find out that God only put him there for a short while. As the pandemic swept the nation I learned to say goodbye to my old life, at least for a little while. I don't know if I can even call it rejection. What do you call it when you feel so supremely guided and trusting in the universe that you know in your heart nothing truly happens by accident? I guess that's just life. This is another journal entry but isn't that what blogs are meant for? I'm grateful for all three of you that read. I feel really reflective lately, I'm turning 25 soon, I've almost lived in New York for 4 years and the past 5 months with my family made me mourn the girl I used to be. I've changed, a lot. And I'm really grateful for the growth and the healing that's come from all the gut wrenching work I've done. The pain that's been laid on my path is where i find myself healing the most. I ask God to guide me and I ask to be free. In return I'm left with the option to peel my layers one by one and feel every thing that comes with that or to stay exactly the same. To be honest being in a place where I'm not progressing sounds even more painful. I'm grateful for the rejection, which in turn is redirection. I'm grateful for my Higher Power that has always done for me what I can't do for myself. And although I'm walking into my 25th year of life with absolutely no plans for my future, I know in my heart that's how it was always suppose to be. I woke up this morning with instant dread, some mornings it's like that. I've learned that it passes with time. I peel myself out of bed, turn on my computer and get ready for my Saturday shift at work. I find myself wondering how I've gotten here, a month ago feels like a distant memory. I'm craving normalcy and the ease with which I found myself feeling back in Brooklyn. I have no idea where this blog post may lead us but thanks for coming along.
I was just telling a friend how I've had no desire or inspiration to write. All I can muster up are shitty poems. I have ideas and I have thoughts but the state of the world sometimes leaves me thinking "what's the point." He reminded me that it comes when it comes and alas here we are. When the news broke about the virus and what the next few weeks could bring I immediately let the tape in my head roll. I was so anxious I couldn't tell if I was actually sick or my chest was just tight from so much worry. I felt trapped inside my head, escaping to Rochester felt like my only hope. A month later and I still feel trapped inside my head. Everywhere I go, there am I right? It doesn't matter the location or whether my backyard extends beyond what I can see. The thoughts, the ideas, the fear is still inside of me. I sit alone in my bedroom filled with frog wallpaper and bright green walls. A sudden rush of sadness comes over me as I remember that this is not in fact my childhood bedroom. But I've spent many nights crying in here, panicking, and coming down from another night spent in a drunken haze. The frog wallpaper was here when we moved in, it goes to show how much I didn't care because I left it up, "it'll do." I remember the nights I'd lay awake thinking of better days. I'd dream of what college would be like, what living in New York city would feel like. I never expected to be catapulted back into 17 year old meg by coming back here. As the weeks go by I remember that I've spent a lot of my life running. Running away from who I was, the pain I carried upon my shoulders. Subconsciously I can avoid any emotion or feeling you throw at me. It's a trauma response I learned as a young girl. But this time feels different, there's nowhere to run. In the midst of a global pandemic I selfishly see where the universe has forced me to grow. I'm meeting the parts of myself I hid and ran from for so long. I feel them in the dead of the night when I wake up from another nightmare. I see them when I sit in my living room and remember all the nights I'd sneak in drunk hoping my dad wouldn't notice, the bartender dropping me off because I was too wobbly to drive. It's the way my dad yells my name to get my attention and I shudder at the glimpses of my childhood and how that wasn't always a good thing to hear. I'm reflective and in some ways feel I have lost touch with the almost 25 year old who thought she was on the right track to putting her life back together. The glimmer of hope is I've done enough work to know that healing the past can only set me up for a better future. The lesson I'm learning is to trust in the present moment, the healing comes if I can just trust that the universe knows when I'll be ready for it. I feel privileged to have a place to go, food on my table, a job I can still work. I find happiness in knowing I'm really fucking lucky, but it still fills me with dread. I don't deserve it. I can only hope that the lessons I'm learning and the pain I'm growing through can help me help someone else, God please make me useful. This is a ramble but a compilation of the thoughts I've had over the past month. Unfortunately the only way I know how to write is to bare my fucking soul to anyone who cares to listen. I dream of Brooklyn, I dream of my plants and the way the sunlight hits the corner of my bedroom at 8am. I dream of the summer to come, falling in love again, hugging my friends, sunsets on my roof. I think most importantly I'm dreaming of a new world, I want to send all of the healing energy I can to those who are hurting. Mood set:
42nd street. Purple and red lights stream off the billboards. I can hear music and I can hear sirens and horns. Headphones in, hoodie up. I decided to step off the subway early, catch some fresh air and be reminded of the times my anxiety was so bad that I would walk 4 miles a day just to ease my nerves. I’m not there today. I had a brief glimpse of anxious thoughts that passed within the hour. It’s a brisk Wednesday night and I have time to kill. Vibe check: I caught a glimpse of hope, a piece of serenity that I had been searching for all week. Actually all my life. It comes once in awhile and leaves traces behind, enough for me to long for it until next time. That feeling like nothing can touch me, life is so fucking good. Despite the good and the bad, my heart feels free. I’m completely alone - despite the millions of New Yorkers speed walking alongside me. This city is the best place to be discovered and disappear. I remember the days before when all I wanted was to disappear, or get lost in my imagination and the made up lives I made for myself. My fingers are frozen as I’m typing this - yes mom no one actually wears gloves above 30 degrees. But the words came to me yet again, so I took fingers to iPhone (so 2020) and let them flow - in whatever way they needed to come out. This time it felt sort of like the beginning of some cheesy “girl moves to New York” tv series yet it’s more like “girl moves to New York, hits bottom atleast 5 times and then finds herself only to lose herself a few more times again.” I’m so grateful for it though. I’m listening to Sam Smith, slightly annoyed I lost my beats but grateful that in my head I’m in my own little movie. Fantasy. I pass Madison square park and my body is hit with memories. As I stroll (I’m a New Yorker so I’m practically running) through my old neighborhood I’m reminded of so many things. I used to come to the park on my days off and just write, pour my fucking heart out. This is when I gratefully got reconnected to poetry. I would come to the park and I would let myself feel, let myself write and then I would go back in the world pretending all of the demons I had inside weren’t real. Ahh yes good times. I sit on a park bench and I breathe it in. All of the stories surrounding me. People rushing, people taking their time. The world moves fast and in this moment I can grasp it. I’m making my way to therapy and thinking of what I can talk about today. I’ve just started trauma therapy and I think subconsciously my mind is trying to prepare something else so I can avoid talking about the hard stuff, just for tonight. I’m almost 25 and just learning that everything I thought I knew means nothing at all, I guess that’s how it’s supposed to happen right? I guess for right now I have the energy of New York to get me through, or maybe that’s just God? til next time... xoxo Meg It’s been awhile I know. I used to write blog posts every week - mindful Meg was the beginning of my soul search journey. I never expected it to be a catalyst for where I am today. Its a relief that even today the words still flow through me, effortlessly as if they’ve always been there all along - just waiting to be released to anyone who wants to read them.. or who needs too.
I write this as I’m sitting in a church near my office in midtown manhattan. This is where I come to pray, meditate and nap. It’s calm in here, the exact opposite of my mind most days. I haven’t written in a long time, I hate admitting that. Somewhere down the line I started to think no one cared what I had to say. I’ve become quiet. And I think partly for good reason. The past few months- heck they past year I’ve been caught in a whirl wind of change. It’s swept me up so hard that I have barely had a moment to catch my footing. I’ve been facing things I never thought I had to speak of again. I’ve been learning all about who I am as a 24 year old woman who feels she’s still 15 yet some days 65. My soul is old and wise, this isn’t my first lifetime but I don’t believe it’s my last. 20 months ago I committed myself to a lifetime of healing and a quest to break the generational curses that laid upon me. Here I am, lost, confused, anxious and a bit annoyed. Ultimately though the change here is I’ve chosen to see all of the positive pieces that fit into my life today. I got up at 5:30 today, I crushed my workout, I showed up to work, I’ve eaten well today (this includes chocolate). I’m sober today. I’ve called my dad. Ive laughed with my siblings. I’ve shared gratitude lists with over 10 people. Ive prayed more than once. I’ve looked at the sun on my morning walk and took a moment to breath all the goodness being alive has to offer. This is just a brief snippet into my life as it stands today. The tides have changed a bit. The waves are still just as big as they used to be, but I think I’m slowly but surely learning how to surf. Stay tuned as I think I might bring this blog back up again. Maybe not. All I know is that it feels good to find my voice again. Xoxo Meg Who are we without our pain?
I’ve hidden behind it for so long, my demons are what keep me safe. They were the survival tools I was given to fight back. I lived with fear, pain, trauma and the desire to control everything around me. I had learned to show no pain, to wear a mask and say “everything’s fine”. I couldn’t open up to anyone and I didn’t know what it mean to love. Trembling, cautious and downright angry- I learned that I could control everything in my life all the while crumbling every piece around me. I felt depressed and anxious because my life was unmanageable- but my demons are what kept me alive. Dishonesty, manipulation, settling for less and control kept me above water. I did not know any better. But now a shift is happening. I feel the layers of my soul unraveling. My survival tools no longer serve me. It’s time for something new, something softer. I’ve lost control and have given it up to the universe. I’m learning to love and be loved - in my truest human form. I’ve found that my survival tools kept me alive for so long and for that I honor them. But now the change is happening. I can’t hide behind my pain anymore. I have to unravel it, begin anew. Become who I’m supposed to be. My anxious mind will no longer define me. My desire to control will no longer keep me safe. It’s a revival of self. From child to women. I’m the caretaker of my past self, a younger girl who just wanted to be loved. I hold her in my arms and remind her not to be afraid. Now I’m learning new ways to love and honor the broken little girl. I’m reaching new heights and facing new pain. I’m growing in the valleys and learning to not stand at the peaks for too long. I keep my head high and I’m understanding that all of the “bad things” about me are not me. That I can change, I can be better. As uncomfortable as it feels - this change is necessary. Undoing years of what was comfortable, just to embark on a newer more at peace version of myself. I feel free. Yet undeniably scared of who I am without the pain that housed me. But I know, every step of the way this is part of my journey. I don’t know who I am without my pain, but I do know the desire to leave aside is much greater than hiding behind it. Self care can usually be defined as face masks, bubble baths, a hot cup of tea. I love the idea of all things comfort when it comes to self care and love. But these days, self care means a lot more than just a little TLC. I’ve recently taken steps to add sprinkles of self care throughout my day and it’s helped a lot with my mood, my attitude towards myself & others as well as my self esteem. A good friend of mine always said you get self esteem by doing esteemable acts. And I love that because sometimes it can be the simplest thing. Here are just a few things I like to add to my day to make sure I am always getting my dose of self care.
2. Eating a healthy diet I am a firm believer that eating cake or pizza is most definitely a form of self care. I think there is something amazing about indulging and not ever feeling bad about it - you shouldn’t feel bad about eating something BTW. But for me, as much as I love a treat every now and then - okay more now than then - I think it is very important to eat a diet full of vegetables and fruits. Healthy foods such as this keep us balanced and make us feel good. I actually am at a point right now where I get excited to eat my favorite vegetables because I know that the food I am putting into my body is the best fuel for me. Being toxic to our body can manifest in some really negative ways so let’s stick to being good to ourselves! 3. Positive Self Talk Someone once told me to think about the person you admire the most, and then talk to yourself the way you would talk to them - most likely with love and care. For me, it’s my sister Julia. I constantly am inspired by her discipline, hard work ethic, family values, beauty and grace. I would never talk bad about her because she doesn’t deserve that, I love her a lot. Now I try to do this with myself. Whenever I hear my mind talking bad I try to flip it the best I can. Another good exercise is to notice when I am being really judgemental to myself and stop that thought right in its tracks. Being nice to ourselves can sometimes not be easy, but I know if I continue to work at it everyday then I am making some type of progress. 4. Being of Service to Others I have always had a passion for helping people. Since I can remember I was sticking up for the girl getting bullied, taking care of my sick grandma or giving a smile to a stranger. It’s just who I am. As the years go by I notice how important it is to give back and help others. It not only helps them, but in return it helps me. It’s a great way to remember that things are not always about me and helping others is the greatest gift we can give to this world. This is a form of self care because it adds to the positivity in my life. Sometimes it’s as simple as calling someone I haven’t talked to in a few days and hearing how they are doing. Reach out to a friend, help someone on the street or donate to a good cause - it will definitely make you feel good afterwards. 5. Being Active This one is probably obvious, but staying active is a huge form of self care! For so long I used working out as a form of punishment, I never worked out to feel good. Now the main reason I work out is to feel good, it is my biggest stress relief. When I am anxious, had a bad day or feeling off then I cherish my daily workout that much more. Staying active can be many forms besides working out. It can be taking a walk, riding your bike, doing yoga, dancing in your kitchen (my personal favorite). There are so many ways to move your body and moving your body for at least 30 minutes a day is key for optimal health. The lesson here is that we owe it to ourselves to take care of our bodies, they house us and we need to make sure we can do everything to keep them healthy and safe. So dance it out baby!! My days seem to feel calmer after applying these 5 things. I used to think that it was a burden to have to do “so much” just to feel good. But in reality I am realizing it is the nurturing that I need to ensure I live a happy and healthy life. I love being good to myself, because I deserve that. Now repeat that last sentence because you deserve to take care of yourself everyday. 2018 was the year that tested us all. I thought 2017 was intense… but 2018 brought on a whole skew of challenges. This past year really felt like the year I did the most growing up mentally and spiritually. And if you are one of the people close to me, you probably have seen an immense amount of change in my attitude and mindset. Let’s recap shall we…
January 2018 is when I first started my blog. A desperate attempt to tell my story turned into a journey I never expected. I finally was vulnerable with the world and opened up about so many things I kept hidden. It was a freeing experience, because in doing so I realized so many others were struggling with their mental health as well. I’ve had so many people message me or reach out to me - thanking me for speaking up and telling me they could relate. What a gift it has been to use my voice and my struggles to help others. I’ve shared some deeply personal things on my blog and it was scary at times,but it’s been so worth it. The creation of Mindful Meg opened up many new things in me as well. A self awareness I never knew I had. A lot of pain and abuse I experienced at a young age never was healed, so here I am 23 with a few more issues than just my anxiety. I struggled throughout the year to find my footing. I dabbled in yoga, tarot cards, numerology, moon cycling etc - all at an attempt to heal the pain I was feeling deep inside. I spent a lot of this year depressed and anxious. Desperate to feel happy, but I just couldn’t. Nothing ever satisfied me, nothing was ever enough. I tried to hide my pain from the world but those close to me felt that I was not okay. I still went on and tried to do all the right things to feel better - I kept blogging, I went to therapy, I journaled, I worked out, I ate healthy. All an attempt to feel something other than sadness and anger. But I still struggled and it started to get scary. I was stuck in a place of not wanting to live but not wanting to die - I had nowhere to turn. It wasn’t until I realized that there were still things in my life that were unhealthy. My binge drinking for one and the mindset and attitude that came along with it. I was stuck in a constant cycle of drinking - making bad decisions - feeling depressed - drinking because I was depressed. I physically and mentally had no real healthy coping mechanisms so long as I was relying on outside forces to make me feel better. Everything around me was viewed with a negative mindset also. After my 23rd birthday and a few weekends spent in a drunken haze, I decided to abstain from drinking. I set on to live my life free of alcohol and other substances and I can honestly say its been the best decision of 2018. A true gift to embark on a journey that not many do at my age. Once I figured out that the amount I was using was causing damage to my internal chemical balance I realized that I would never feel happy again so long as I was using substances to “heal me.” There was no type of self love present. As long as I was hurting myself and my body with toxicity day after day then I was never truly loving myself. I couldn’t have real romantic relationships if I was drunk all the time, my family was sick of my selfishness, and my greatest achievement was drinking for 12+ hours at a time. I was over it. It was then that I realized many other things. My job didn’t make me happy, so I quit. My diet was full of processed meats and other things so I went vegetarian and cleaned it up. I had an unhealthy relationship with my body and image so I took steps to start healing that. The list goes on and on and it’s a struggle in itself to be so self aware of all the things that need healing. But I know in the years to come I will be so grateful that now was the time to get real about my life and make a change. As I continue to reflect on my year in 2018, it was a struggle in itself. I entered the year with no hope for a better life. And now I am walking into 2019 knowing that there are good and bad days but also remembering that no matter what, i’ll be okay. I no longer feel that the world is ending whenever one bad thing happens to me. I wake up grateful for the simplest of things, I feel more in touch with my emotions and am hopeful that I do have a soulmate out there, and my relationships are stronger and healthier than ever. My mindset was the biggest piece that needed to change and 2018 was the year that opened my eyes to that. For all the years I put everyone first, 2018 was finally the year I put myself first and it was a road I never thought I would venture on, but so glad I am. 2018 was the year of Meg: a self love journey. When I was young I wanted to be many things when I got older. A teacher, a psychiatrist, a CMO, a CEO, a ballerina, a model etc. But if you asked me what I wanted most, it was to be happy. No matter what my career ended up being I wanted to be wholeheartedly happy.
I am not sure when this changed. But as I began to grow up I started to think that my career - as well as other outside forces were what would give me my self worth. I thought that if I had a successful career then that meant I was worth something. I was caught in a negative self talk that told me I needed to be this or needed to have that in order to be worth something in today’s society. I was on a high of chasing material things. So I set out on fulfilling my dream job - a ruthless marketing job in fashion. This led me to continue with my perfectionist mindset. I needed to go to the best college and do all the things that would make me a successful business women. So I dove right into it . I went to a prestigious private college and then the most sought after fashion school I could find. In my head I was doing all the right moves. I had great internships, I did well in school and all I focused on was how I could make myself something. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being focused, determined and motivated to make yourself better. But this was a time in my life when I was doing it for all of the wrong reasons. If you asked me if I was happy back then I would have lied and said I was living the dream. I think a part of me was, moving to New York was always a dream. But chasing a fashion career that made me feel worthless on the inside was what was causing me so much unhappiness. The moment I left my job I felt worthless yet empowered. It was then that I had realized so many things I use to chase was just so I could feel something, to be something and most importantly to have others think highly of me. I am caught at a place right now where I am realizing that the only way I can be truly happy is if I find it in myself. I won’t find it anywhere else - no more finding happiness in outside forces. A job can make me happy but only for so long. It’s normal to want to naturally move on from a job but not if it’s the same reason every single time. So here I am, at 23 years old fresh out of college and being okay with the fact that I don’t have a dream job. I am not sure what my career will turn into. But I am damn sure that I am willing to take opportunities that come my way. Who knows, maybe I will still chase a career in fashion - but for the right reasons this time. I am chasing my own happiness, and focusing on not finding it anywhere else except in my own heart and I think that will make all the difference. Being a little lost doesn’t have to be the end of the world. And actually, I know now that nothing can dampen my self worth - being worthless is something I create in my head and push out into the world. Just like my happiness, the only thing that can take away my self worth - is myself. So here’s to taking leaps, taking opportunities and being happy with the journey! Mornings… I used to be convinced that there was nothing worse than a morning. I dreaded waking up - especially if it was before 8am. I thought maybe it was just a thing that happened in childhood, but as I grew up I still dreaded mornings. I was always groggy, grumpy, hungry and most definitely in a negative mindset. I used to only think of mornings as a bad thing. I was late to first period every day in High school and having an 8am class in college was legit the worst possible thing.
Then I decided I wanted to be a morning person. I decided this almost 3 years ago, and it took me exactly 3 years to get it down. I wouldn’t officially say that I am a morning person - but I will say that I now wholeheartedly enjoy mornings. This took a lot of trial and error but I think I have finally figured it out. I realized that I was not only missing out on my day by sleeping in but I was missing out on life and all of the things I could accomplish in the early hours. I alway used to complain that I didn’t have enough time to workout or I wasn’t able to write or meditate in the mornings because I was too busy rushing to work. As the months have gone by I realized that something was missing, and that was a morning routine. Creating a morning routine has really helped me find stability in waking up early and being able to do it consistently. My morning routine helps me to start my day off on a positive note. Sometimes my day is so busy that the only time I have for myself is in those few morning hours. My morning routine consists of simple things. I wake up - I thank the universe for a beautiful day and another day of being alive, I ask for guidance from the universe and to guide me to be the woman I am meant to be. I then make a hot cup of lemon water (helps with digestion) and a cup of coffee with a little bit of my favorite coffee creamer - right now my favorite is the seasonal peppermint mocha. After this I snuggle back up in bed and write in my journal. I usually do “morning pages” which is basically a brain dump, I write whatever comes to mind for at least 2-3 pages. I also write a gratitude list to remind myself of the simple things that are a blessing in my life. I then try to meditate - I am still working on this but I still try each day to get it done. After this I may hit the gym, or I will begin to start my day. I usually work in the mornings so I wake up at least two hours earlier than I have to leave, so I have enough time to start my day with my routine. The quiet mornings help me realize how taking time for myself is very important. It also helps that I go to bed early enough so that I can get between 7-9 hours of sleep a night, I just need that much sleep every day or I am not at my best. I also focus on getting a healthy breakfast each morning - usually something very protein rich to start my day off on the right foot. My mornings look so much different than they used to and I am so grateful for that. I realize a lot of it is mindset for me. The night before I have to be excited for the morning, I have to be excited to start the day off on a good note. If I am anxious or dreading the morning and thinking many negative thoughts then it’s going to be a lot harder for me to wake up and wake up early at that. Living my life to the fullest means starting my day between 6-7 AM and having the time to do the things I have always wanted to do but was never able too because I was sleeping in. I now have more energy throughout the day because I took the time to do not only good things for my mental health but my overall well being. Meditating, journaling, and taking time for yourself are all self care acts that aid in healing anxiety and depression. My morning routine has literally changed my whole day and my attitude toward my days. The moment I focused on how much a gift it is to be alive, and have the ability to wake up early and spend time on things that make me happy - I realized being a morning person is a must! |
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