Do you know those days were suddenly, the littlest thing seems to push you over the edge? And bam just like you that you’re crying hysterical or you’re so furious without knowing the reason why? For me, this was a direct result of holding in my emotions. Whether it was something I was angry about 3 months ago or feelings I did not know how to express. I truly had no idea how to let things out in a healthy way. When I was younger my mom used to tell me to empty my box. She knew that when I would have an outburst it was because I was continually stuffing my emotions deeper and deeper into this internal box of mine. Suppressing my emotions only made things worse for me. It made my worries profounder and my panic attacks worse. I found myself having panic attacks over the simplest things because I had no idea how to let things go. It took me a long time to realize that this was a direct cause of my anxiety. I guess when you are so used to a behavior you don’t realize it until its pointed out to you. For me also I hated asking for help. I hated calling my parents when I was having a panic attack because I felt I was being a bother. My dad would always say, “Don’t be afraid to tell people when you are anxious” and I remember thinking yeah right, they would just think I’m some crazy person. I think that is also why not many people ever knew that I suffer from panic disorder. Part of the reason why I suppressed my emotions was because I thought being an emotional person was a weak thing. I thought that if I was always talking about my anxiety and my emotions that I would be a weak person, and no one would want to be around me. It was physically hard for me to cry in front of people because I never wanted to be seen at a vulnerable moment. At a young age I was always the “softie” or the gentle giant (I am the tallest in my family) and I think that whenever people used those terms as a bad thing it really hurt me. Having anxiety was rarely ever talked about in my family, at least at a deeper level. In my teenage years I was so tired of people viewing me as this big baby that I tried hard to be a tough ass. I pushed every emotion I had so far down that no one would ever know I was suffering internally.
But, by doing this it only made my emotions worse. It really hurt a lot of my relationships with people. I lost a lot of people because I could not properly communicate how I felt. It was always a lot easier for me to push people away rather then tell them that I needed them more than I thought. It is a painful feeling when you take notice of these things, there are times when someone would upset me immensely and I would just stuff it down. I have come to learn that this is so unhealthy, and in turn it only hurts me more. The physical and emotional pain that I had felt all these years from not dealing with my problems really took a toll on me. Even now at 22 I realize there are so many things I have not dealt with. A lot of people I pushed away that I still think about all the time. I sometimes wonder how things would be different if I just opened to people more. But I truly don’t like to dwell on the past, taking things one day at a time is essential for me. To this day I am still afraid to cry in front of people. At my grandma’s funeral two years ago even then I was afraid to cry. Which today is crazy thinking to me, she meant the absolute world to me, if I wanted to cry my eyes out I will and never feel bad for it. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up it took me four months to really have a good cry and deal with the emotions of a break up. These are all examples of how I internalized everything. There are days when something will trigger a bad memory from childhood and I will have to have a good cry about it. I am thankful that I can realize this defect and work through it. It really takes a long time to reverse old patterns and I am learning to be patient with myself. I am learning that it is okay to tell someone when they upset you, in a nice way of course. It is okay to cry, and it is okay to feel emotional about things. It really doesn’t make me less of a person that I feel things so much deeper than the next person. I am learning to love all these parts of myself. I have always had a big heart and I refuse to apologize for it anymore, mainly to myself and to others. I am also grateful that more people are talking about their mental illnesses. It is not some disease that you can tell someone to “just get over”, it takes time and it takes patience. The more I talk about my disease the better I feel and the better the people around me can understand me. It’s okay to not be okay.
0 Comments
|
ArchivesCategories |