Life on life’s terms. This phrase always snaps me back to reality. Often in life we can find ourselves trying to control outcomes –constantly thinking well if only this would happen then I would be happy…etc. Even as I work through life and try to live a positive balanced life I often find myself thinking like this. Some weeks I don’t notice that I am trying to control situations until I realize that I am constantly anxious, unhappy or not keeping my mind in the moment. It is easy to try and control things, but do you ever notice how much pain it can bring you?
As a recent graduate it is common to have that feeling of “oh shit why isn’t my life perfect yet.” Or why does it seem like everyone has it all figured out, but I don’t? This is the 22-year-old-going on 35 mindset that I have always had. I am a perfectionist in some aspects of my life. As soon as things don’t go my way I become very uncomfortable. It’s kind of like being a kid again and throwing a temper tantrum seems like a good idea to get what I want. Being in control is my minds way of making sure nothing goes wrong. I need to know why everything isn’t aligned, and sometimes I really drive myself crazy trying to figure out how I can fix it. But, the only solution is to let it go. You are probably thinking what the heck do you mean just let it go? This leads me to the main thing that gets me through when life isn’t going my way. Learning to let go of things I can’t control is MY life saver. Job anxiety, relationship anxiety, social anxiety etc. When I learn to let go and let life happen the way God has planned then I realize how wonderful things can unfold. Even if you aren’t spiritual it is so important to trust in the universe, trust that things will work out for you. We all have a path and we really can’t control any of it, it is important to accept where we are at and continue to grow through it. When I started being grateful for every hardship and every wrong turn things started to look brighter. I went through a lot when I was younger, I used to think that it would never get better. I used to think that my anxiety was going to put me in a mental hospital, I thought I would never be able to live a normally functioning life. Here I am though fighting my way through post grad trying to find my purpose on this earth. I owe it all to the universe and the blessings that have snuck up on me when I wasn’t trying to control everything. Now I am not saying to just do nothing. For example, if you aren’t happy in your career then start applying for new jobs and continue working hard at the job you have and (try) to keep a positive mindset. Put out an intention to the universe of what your heart desires in a career, let it go and watch something happen. Something I struggle with is wanting things to happen all at once. Last May after graduation I didn’t have a full-time job, I was working two part-time jobs. I remember I was so anxious every day because I wanted to control the outcomes, I was applying for jobs that I didn’t even like because I thought OK I just need to get a job to pay rent and then I will be happy. But when I brought myself back to reality and put trust in the universe, something happened. A couple months later a full-time position at one of my current jobs opened and I was no longer worrying about whether I would be able to pay rent. This is just one example of how I trusted in the universe and it reciprocated. But embrace it. Embrace the hardships that are presenting themselves to you. Enjoy the journey, there are so many lessons to be learned through it. Be grateful, believe in yourself and trust, trust, trust.
0 Comments
Do you know those days were suddenly, the littlest thing seems to push you over the edge? And bam just like you that you’re crying hysterical or you’re so furious without knowing the reason why? For me, this was a direct result of holding in my emotions. Whether it was something I was angry about 3 months ago or feelings I did not know how to express. I truly had no idea how to let things out in a healthy way. When I was younger my mom used to tell me to empty my box. She knew that when I would have an outburst it was because I was continually stuffing my emotions deeper and deeper into this internal box of mine. Suppressing my emotions only made things worse for me. It made my worries profounder and my panic attacks worse. I found myself having panic attacks over the simplest things because I had no idea how to let things go. It took me a long time to realize that this was a direct cause of my anxiety. I guess when you are so used to a behavior you don’t realize it until its pointed out to you. For me also I hated asking for help. I hated calling my parents when I was having a panic attack because I felt I was being a bother. My dad would always say, “Don’t be afraid to tell people when you are anxious” and I remember thinking yeah right, they would just think I’m some crazy person. I think that is also why not many people ever knew that I suffer from panic disorder. Part of the reason why I suppressed my emotions was because I thought being an emotional person was a weak thing. I thought that if I was always talking about my anxiety and my emotions that I would be a weak person, and no one would want to be around me. It was physically hard for me to cry in front of people because I never wanted to be seen at a vulnerable moment. At a young age I was always the “softie” or the gentle giant (I am the tallest in my family) and I think that whenever people used those terms as a bad thing it really hurt me. Having anxiety was rarely ever talked about in my family, at least at a deeper level. In my teenage years I was so tired of people viewing me as this big baby that I tried hard to be a tough ass. I pushed every emotion I had so far down that no one would ever know I was suffering internally.
But, by doing this it only made my emotions worse. It really hurt a lot of my relationships with people. I lost a lot of people because I could not properly communicate how I felt. It was always a lot easier for me to push people away rather then tell them that I needed them more than I thought. It is a painful feeling when you take notice of these things, there are times when someone would upset me immensely and I would just stuff it down. I have come to learn that this is so unhealthy, and in turn it only hurts me more. The physical and emotional pain that I had felt all these years from not dealing with my problems really took a toll on me. Even now at 22 I realize there are so many things I have not dealt with. A lot of people I pushed away that I still think about all the time. I sometimes wonder how things would be different if I just opened to people more. But I truly don’t like to dwell on the past, taking things one day at a time is essential for me. To this day I am still afraid to cry in front of people. At my grandma’s funeral two years ago even then I was afraid to cry. Which today is crazy thinking to me, she meant the absolute world to me, if I wanted to cry my eyes out I will and never feel bad for it. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up it took me four months to really have a good cry and deal with the emotions of a break up. These are all examples of how I internalized everything. There are days when something will trigger a bad memory from childhood and I will have to have a good cry about it. I am thankful that I can realize this defect and work through it. It really takes a long time to reverse old patterns and I am learning to be patient with myself. I am learning that it is okay to tell someone when they upset you, in a nice way of course. It is okay to cry, and it is okay to feel emotional about things. It really doesn’t make me less of a person that I feel things so much deeper than the next person. I am learning to love all these parts of myself. I have always had a big heart and I refuse to apologize for it anymore, mainly to myself and to others. I am also grateful that more people are talking about their mental illnesses. It is not some disease that you can tell someone to “just get over”, it takes time and it takes patience. The more I talk about my disease the better I feel and the better the people around me can understand me. It’s okay to not be okay. My name is Meg and I have a mental illness. I guess I should just go out right and say it. I was diagnosed at age 12 with a Panic Disorder. A panic disorder is a form of anxiety that comes about as panic attacks. I came to learn later in life that my anxiety stemmed much deeper than just having a “mental breakdown” a couple times a day. I also know that a big cause of my anxiety had to do with my diet, mindset and the lack of serotonin in my brain. Welcome to my story; all good and bad pieces of it.
I remember my first panic attack like it was yesterday. Everyone is different but the most normal symptoms of a panic attack are a huge feeling of fear, or impending doom, shaky hands, rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. For me it was usually being so scared I couldn’t grasp my surroundings, a rapid heartbeat and the feeling of not being able to breathe. When I am in “panic-mode” my first instinct is to run home and crawl into my bed- my safe space. My first panic attack was so traumatic that I remember physically crying myself to sleep. It took me a few days to mentally recover. I suffered a lot with panic attacks after that. Some days making myself physically sick with worry, my anxiety has never been an easy journey. Luckily my parents knew enough about anxiety disorders that they were able to help me with some tools to deal with it. I soon went to therapy and read many self-help books. All these things helped me a lot. Having the tools to cope with my anxiety was huge help especially in those early years when everything seemed so scary. To make a long story short my journey with anxiety didn’t just stop after I learned these tools. 10 years later and I still get panic attacks. Now this is not to say that it is impossible to overcome this disease. Because personally I think that I have, I never let my mental illness take over my life – as hard as it tried too. For me having a mental illness is not about getting rid of it, I have learned that having a mental illness means I just need to handle my life and my problems a little bit different than others. This is something that is sometimes very frustrating but also very important to the aspects that make me happy in my day to day life. I am starting this blog as an outlet for myself. But in a greater scheme I hope to help others, it is helpful to me at least to know that we are not alone in this fight. Now more than ever we need each other’s support. Thank you for letting me share with you my most vulnerable truths. Enjoy and stay tuned for what is to come. Xoxo, Meg |
ArchivesCategories |